Blog Posts & Video Links

Is a "New You" Necessary?!

Hey y’all Hey!

2025 is here. No denying it. Just look at the date. I’m hoping for peace and reprieve for everyone (if it was needed) from 2024. Typically around the New Year, the “New Year, New Me” reflections commence. If possible, I want to intervene with some encouragement. 

“New Year, New Me” implies discarding, dismissing, and doing away with all that you were previously. However, your essence is innate, your experiences were purposeful, and lessons may not have reached their conclusions. Instead of setting a goal for a “new” you, I encourage you to reflect:  

What about you do you desire to be different?

Instead of completely “throwing the person away”, it may be beneficial to focus on specifically what you desire to be different about yourself. This reflection could prevent or stop avoidance and guide you to getting to the heart of what is no longer serving you or providing the life you desire for yourself. Such reflection could could bring about further reflections such as: 

What about my situation do I want to be different? 

What people, places, and things no longer align with what I desire for myself?

Hopefully these reflections allow you to tap into your essence and prove that you have valuable “groundwork” already. No need to completely destroy and recreate. Instead you may need to acknowledge, confront, and heal. 

As always, I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

Did You Forget About...You?

I had a whole throat punch of a realization while working my day job as a school counselor. I was informally interviewing a student so I could write them a dope ass letter of recommendation for college admission. My student was worried because the deadline was only days away. I reassured them I would get everything done. They were more worried about me writing the letter of recommendation in time. I replied, “that’s the easiest part, I’m a writer.” 

*Cue dramatic scoring* 

It hit me at that very moment, I haven’t been nurturing or creating space for my talent/hobby: writing. I genuinely enjoy writing. Now, a quick scroll through my posted blogs wouldn’t display that fact. 

Digression: Man, on man. Adulting and balancing life while adulting is a feat in itself. 

I unapologetically give grace to myself. But, that realization HIIIIIITTTTTT. How easy it is to allow our talents, passions, and hobbies to go to the wayside. I felt joyful and confident finishing that letter of recommendation (which only took me about thirty minutes to write) for more reasons than one. 

One: The student can be at ease and hopefully appreciate a letter tailored specifically to them. Sidebar: I was advised to take another counselor’s letter of recommendation for another student and change the name and pronouns for my student. My integrity doesn’t operate that way, so I was pushed to write.  

Two: I felt a sense of aliveness that I was writing. To create imagery with words, even for a letter of recommendation, was fulfilling. 

Ok, enough of my rant, sidebar, and tangents. 

Encouragement for reflection…

Have you forgotten and/or not made time to nurture that something special about you. That something that brings about a sense of peace. That something that nurtures your essence or wholeness. If so, what exactly is that something special? How can you create a moment or some space to give that special something special some light? 

Give yourself grace. There’s no rulebook to navigating life. The intent is for you to be able to connect with you. 

I’m hoping for moments of fulfillment for you as you remember you. 

I look forward to supporting you! 

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

In honor of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, I was grateful to connect with Flora, practice owner of Florecer Counseling Services, PLLC, to discuss suicide ideation awareness.

The mission of B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC is to educate, normalize, and empower. This five-part conversation supports that mission by delving deeper into suicide ideation awareness for BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) demographics by...

- Distinguishing  suicide and suicide ideation

- Discussing non-suicidal self-harm (self-injury)

- Addressing biases and prejudices associated with suicide

- Discussing lyrics and common social media terms

- Providing ways to show up for those experiencing ideation

Bianca Whitaker

Website: https://www.bwhitakercounseling.com/

Email: info@bwhitakercounseling.com 

IG: https://www.instagram.com/bwhitcounseling

Flora Martinez Vasquez

Website: https://www.florecercounselingservices.com/home 

IG: https://www.instagram.com/florecercounselingservices/   

I look forward to supporting you!

Check out the discussion here: https://youtu.be/2gezeVX48wQ?feature=shared   

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

This video delves deep into a discussion with the president of The Foundations Project, Baasima Hendrickson. The Foundations Project is a multifaceted company that provides education, career consulting and coaching, and resume building and tailoring services. 

The discussion supports the mission of B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC to educate, normalize, and empower. The discussion connects mental wellness and inner work to one's career, looking at inner work and career services as a personal investment, and provides practical tips for career awareness and betterment. 

It is my greatest desire for this discussion to edify and be a resource for you and others. 

I look forward to supporting you!

Baasi's website: https://thefoundationsproject.com/ 

Baasi's email: hello@thefoundationsproject.com 

Baasi's LinkedIn: Baasima Hendrickson; The Foundations Project

Baasi's IG: https://www.instagram.com/tfp_thefoundationsproject/ 

Check out the discussion here (Full Video): https://youtu.be/xkQcMGb3eCQ?feature=shared 

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

In honor of Minority Mental Health Month, B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC hosted a virtual roundtable discussing peace while single. These brave and vulnerable individuals shared their personal experiences of fostering peace and learning lessons while single. They also discussed their views of partnership and shared some words of encouragement to those experiencing singleness. 

The mission of B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC is to educate, normalize, and empower. This discussion and the shared experiences of the participants supports the mission by illuminating a positive light to a matter often stigmatized and shamed.

Check out the discussion here: https://youtu.be/mFogjJ0Iv68?feature=shared  

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

Soooooo…

Back in April 2024… 

I had an opportunity to sit down with my ex-partner for a very intimate and therapeutic conversation. This opportunity was afforded by The Skin Deep through their “The And” cards. These cards have been foundational to the self-work that I do, and they were also foundational in my relationship with my ex-partner. The opportunity for this conversation was important to me because it allowed an opportunity for shared closure. I saw the conversation, using the cards, as everything coming full circle for our shared partnership.  

Fast forward to July 2024… 

Our episode airs on YouTube for the world to see. As logical as I can be, I didn’t put together that the world will be witnessing us “heal out loud”. I didn’t mind. It was just overwhelming initially since 15 minutes of the 90 minute conversation aired over 90 days after the conversation was had. Our relationship had experienced another transition within that time.  

Now, the present…

The journey to healing can be arduous especially when closing a chapter on what seemed promising and was healthy. As someone actively and intentionally unlearning habits and working through trauma, putting closure to a form of safety has been rough. However, I am grateful that I do not have to add the ending of this partnership into my nervous system in a negative way (trauma loves residing in the nervous system!). I’m also grateful that I was able to experience a transition in our relationship that was not reminiscent of the abandonment I was used to feeling. To go from partners to friends to the next transition was healing. Experiencing the transition showed my prior experiences and trauma that their way is not the only way. My time in partnership and experiencing the ending I was able to also showed me that my healing did in fact bear fruit. 

I do not desire to make my personal experience(s) the focal point for the information and knowledge that I share. The mission of my business remains to educate, normalize, and empower. So, I don’t foresee too many personal “heal out loud” moments in the near future. However, I’m appreciative that others got to see that I too am human and am in the process of experiencing, learning, and unlearning just like them. Being a professional counselor does not mean I am immune to what is required for healing. I’m fortunate to have some tools and resources in my “toolbox” to support me along the journey. 

I’m hoping for continued healing for us all. 

Check out the conversation here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lq_807f20I 

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

In honor of Pride Month, I shared a few points of how to create safety for queer children and teens. This sharing of information shares the mission of B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC which is to educate, normalize, and empower. Check out the video using the link below. 

Video Link: https://youtu.be/CCDBl4OcEW8

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

Communication is not one-sided

Communication. It is foundational to how we receive information and connect with ourselves and others. It is also a common source of conflict and area of growth for individuals and couples. When communicating thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc., it is not uncommon for focus to be put on what is said. However, communication is not just what you say. Communication is all encompassing of the verbal and nonverbal. So, communication includes what is said, tone, intent, body language, facial expressions, delivery, and so much more. For a gentle reminder, it’s been noted that roughly 80% of communication is nonverbal (Young, 2017). (Sidebar: I am intrigued to see what the percentage is now with the more accepted dependency of communication through text and social media.)

With a quick search on Dictionary.com, I pulled three definitions of communication: 

1. to give or interchange thoughts, feelings, information, or the like, by writing, speaking, etc.

2. to express thoughts, feelings, or information easily or effectively.

3. to be joined or connected

These general definitions share an undertone that communication is to be received not just expressed. So, how one communicates is just as important as what is being communicated. An {extreme} example comes to mind of an individual, not in conflict with their partner, happy to see and connect with their partner, walking up to their partner and telling them “I love you” in a dull tone while rolling their eyes and giving them the middle finger. Clearly, the intent and expression of love would not be effectively communicated. 

Also, it is not uncommon to hear, “All I said was…”, “I’m just saying”, “I said…”, or “I told you…”. These statements can often act as disclaimers that a focus was emphasized on what was said and not it being received. The next time you are thinking of communicating with someone, even to yourself, think of the intent of what you want to share and the fact that you hold value and importance. So, what you want to communicate is of value and importance as well. Don’t focus just on saying something, but keep in mind connecting and ensuring, to the best of your ability, that your message will be received. A helpful and quick technique could be to practice in the mirror (especially if a crucial conversation is on the horizon.)

Now, this blog post is not to condemn anyone or make anyone feel that their way of expressing themselves has been null and void. I’m hoping to bring awareness to what can make communication more effective and give some information for us all to check ourselves. 

I’m hoping for effective communication for us all. 

I look forward to supporting you! 

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

If You Don't Get It...Listen

It is Pride Month and during this time there tends to be a bit more intentionality of mentioning humane traits such as kindness, acceptance, and inclusivity. This is nice, although temporary at times, as hate and bigotry continues to ensue on the lifestyles of those represented by Pride. Thinking of these times, I was encouraged to think about the power of listening. 

Often, we hear, “I don’t get it…”, “It doesn’t make sense that…”, or “tell me why…” from people not willing to understand. These comments are often said to be dismissive or prepare to rebuttal. With such a stance, one is not ready or possibly willing to receive. Being mindful of these “rebuttal loaded” statements could better prepare us to protect ourselves, disengage completely, or have our “are you curious or willing to listen” rebuttals locked and loaded. 

Now, I’m not writing this blog to have us charging in the streets ready with rebuttals. That won’t get any of us anywhere. I’m hoping to illuminate the importance of listening in order to be more open-minded. To the close-minded, if you’re not genuinely curious, probing or setting up a conversation to dump your opinion is not wanted or needed. Your opinion is yours. No one has to do anything with it just because you want it to be heard. I will take the blunt for writing that last sentence. To those being dismissed or attempted to be shut down, your plight is not to be heard, especially if someone is not ready to receive your perspective. 

I validate that not being heard can feel like an internal war and contribute negatively to one’s experience. However, there is not enough talking, screaming, crying, or war that can take place to make someone understand when they are dedicated to not understanding. So, setting conversational (and physical boundaries if necessary) can protect one from such defeating encounters. Your voice, your perspective, and essence of who you are, are powerful. So, show yourself grace by not giving your power away when someone doesn’t want it. 

I’m hoping for safe and genuine dialogue for us all!   

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC hosted a discussion on the topic with a few Black men. As always the mission of the work done is to educate, normalize, and empower. Check out the full discussion using the link below. 

Video Link: https://youtu.be/vmvi39FDQHk

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

In honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC hosted a virtual roundtable on the topic. As always the mission of the work done is to educate, normalize, and empower. Check out the full roundtable using the link below. 

Virtual Roundtable Link: https://youtu.be/FlYfX7ttVeY

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

Counseling Misconceptions - Pt. 1

This post aims to bring awareness to a few common misconceptions about counseling. This list is not exhaustive and may continue in future posts.

Misconception #1 - You have to detail your whole life in counseling

The details required for counseling are often misunderstood. The details a client is to share depend on what you are seeking counseling for and the theoretical approach used to support you with your counseling goal(s). Having the “full picture” is always helpful in bringing context to the client’s current situation; but every detail from conception to now is not always necessary. 

Misconception #2 - Counseling doesn’t focus on goals

This misconception can be shocking. The counseling process is structured around a counseling goal (or multiple).  This may not seem obvious during a counseling session, but there is a streamlined focus for supporting clients through the counseling journey. Goals change just as life may change. However, the time in counseling is intentional as the focus is supporting the client’s presenting concern. 

Misconception #3 - You just talk in counseling 

This misconception overlaps with the previously mentioned misconception. Counseling is not “just” talking. It is talking with intention and purpose (remember that counseling goal that was set based on your presenting concern). Also, counselors are not your friend. They are a paid professional that is supporting clients through counseling services. So, clients are not “just” talking. Furthermore, there are various forms of counseling or therapeutic techniques that do not always use talking as a primary means of supporting clients. 

Misconception #4 - Counselors are responsible for clients’ healing

Absolutely not. Counselors are facilitators and supporters in a client’s healing journey. Clients are the drivers of their healing (or lack thereof). It may be appropriate that a client will have to find a different counselor, after starting with one, to better support their healing or wellness journey; but clients are in control of their healing. 

Misconception #5 - You will always feel better after a counseling session

A client may not always feel better after a session. Clients may feel the same or worse. To reiterate, healing is a non-linear journey. Counseling sessions do not exist for a client to “feel” better. Hopefully, they will BE better in time, but feelings are fleeting. The heavy-lifting that counseling requires will not always lead to a client feeling better following a session. 

I hope clarifying these misconceptions can be found helpful and support healthier healing journeys. 

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

Psychological Safety is Safety

In the work I do, I often ask clients, “Are you safe?”. How broad a question. Many of us have been trained, programmed, or conditioned to only view safety in reference to our physical bodies.  That meaning, is someone causing harm to us physically, are our physical bodies hurt, or are we in a situation that we physically feel unsafe. Oh, how we miss the mark with such a parochial reference point. 

In such questioning, consideration and awareness of psychological safety would be inclusive. Psychological safety is safety; it’s not a myth. Our mind may not feel safe in certain spaces, situations, interactions, or around certain people. It is dire that we recognize in which contexts we are not comfortable or confident in feeling whole as our authentic selves. 

Below are some reflections questions to gauge your psychological safety. You can pose these questions pertaining to certain environments, situations, interactions, or with certain people. 

• Are you confident speaking up or expressing yourself?

• Do you worry about being judged or criticized? 

• Have you seen others judged or criticized in a similar context? 

• Do you find it more helpful or peaceful to avoid or ignore instead of showing up or using your voice?

Psychological safety requires an awareness, intentionality, and nurturing for safety to be present. Psychological safety is not a “cookie cutter” process and its absence can be experienced in various environments such work, with friends or family, in various types of relationships, and even with oneself. A lack of psychological safety can breed discomfort and possibly fear or isolation, lack of confidence, or being hindered or broken down in many ways. 

Examples of lack of psychological safety…

At Work 

You don’t feel safe speaking up or giving your feedback to supervisors or leaders, even when asked. You know there’s going to be tension in the meeting so you plan your disengagement in advance. 

With Friends/Family

You don’t share updates because they are met with judgment or criticism. You avoid visiting certain individuals because they’re going to question beyond your boundaries instead of engaging with you genuinely and authentically. Possibly, someone is going to comment on your weight or lack of a relationship before greeting you. 

Within Relationships

You shut down during conflict to avoid a blow up or risk expressing yourself and not being heard. Being vulnerable feels threatening.

With Self

You judge or critique yourself without giving grace or the space to feel your experience(s).

I hope you know you are deserving to be both physically and psychologically safe. Counseling can nurture such safety while supporting you on your goals for wellness and betterment. 

I look forward to supporting you!

B. Whitaker

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

Can You Hear Me Now?!

When was the last time you felt heard? Genuinely heard. Not having to yell, get upset, act out or “pop off”, rationalize, intellectualize, overexplain, but just speak your peace. 

I’ve had an interesting experience where I supported a child (or what I like to refer to as a “little human”) during an emotional moment. The moment lasted a minimum of 45-minutes and included spiraling, yelling, crying, threatening, projecting, disrespecting, overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, and so much more. There wasn’t much I could say during the moment. There were pockets for me to give reminders. However, I remained close, took in what the little human was saying through it all, and made eye contact whenever a glance came my way. I felt the little human needed to release all that was pent up inside, so I created space for them to do so. At the tail end of their emotional breakdown, the little human mentioned that a parent called him an insult and they projected that I would do the same. At that moment, I sincerely apologized for him being disrespected, assured them that I did not feel the same way and then affirmed them. The breakdown ended. The core of what the little human wanted to communicate was heard.  

Now of course, there are many more contextual factors that may have affected the little human in the aforementioned example. However, at the bear bones, they needed to be heard. 

It’s interesting to think that all behavior is a form of communication, whether with little humans or adults. We are always communicating in some way. Being heard can make one feel validated, seen, recognized, included, welcomed, human, and so many other positive outcomes. I even believe that one feeling heard nurtures their very essence which supports the foundation of who they are and how they show up in the world. So, I ask again, when was the last time you felt heard?

For those not heard, know that you are not alone. See below for a list of resources that may support you being heard. Another note, B. Whitaker Counseling & Consulting, PLLC is accepting new clients. Know that you are worthy and deserving of being heard. I hope that for you. 

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

B. Whitaker 

Your Healing is a Personal Investment

Let’s start by recapping a few shared definitions of healing from the last blog post…

Webster says to heal is “to cause (an undesirable condition) to become overcome”…

Dictionary.com says healing is “the act or process of regaining health”...

Dr. Gabor Maté expresses, “true healing simply means opening ourselves to the truth of our lives, past and present, as plainly and objectively as we can.”

In summary, with healing, you are overcoming, regaining, and opening yourself to more. No one owes you this, you owe it to yourself. For many of us, the plights, trauma, and roadblocks in our life story were catalyzed by people or situations beyond our control. In turn, we may have adapted, developed some learned behaviors, and here we are.

Although the wounds of your experiences may not have been caused by you and you’re responsible for overcoming them, professional support for healing these wounds are not owed to you. The misperception that professional counseling “should” be free or synonymous with the pay of scraps is not realistic. 

Quick digression: As a mental health professional, I’m going to always challenge “should” statements, because they are often illusory and created from a personal expectation not communicated with others.  

Ok, back to the topic. Your healing is an investment in you, and there is no alchemy or language of the universe that says that a qualified professional owes you that investment. Yes, you have to pay for professional mental health support. 

It’s almost disheartening and defeating that society has normalized paying for nails, hair styling or cutting, eyelash extensions, massages, trainers, meal prep, apps, streaming subscriptions, shoes the price of shelter, and social media trends, but it has sent signals that mental wellness should be free of charge. 

Mental health is health. There is substantial research that provides evidence that lack of mental wellness manifests physically in the body. The same way that doctors, specialists, surgeons, physical therapists, and nutritionists are paid so should mental health professionals. It takes money, time, and effort to obtain the necessary education, maintain licensure, continually grow professionally, and tailor services specific for clients’ needs.  

Another digression: Mental health professionals are responsible for thriving, financially, like everyone else. We are individuals with bills, expenses, and families just like others. In addition, it takes money to remain licensed in the profession. To think that a mental health professional owes others their mental wellness free of charge is portraying a mental health professional as saying, “because someone I don’t know or something I have no ties to caused my client distress, then I should sacrifice my financial and emotional well-being because that is owed to my client since that something is not my fault.” I imagine that if the same energy toward mental health professionals and their prices was spent toward the agencies that make laws for insurance coverage for mental health, then there would be great change.

Mental health counseling, done correctly and ethically, is not a “cookie cutter” profession. And to accept society's subliminal messages that your mental wellness is not a priority since it’s not free or the price of scraps, reflects one's self-awareness and willingness to change. 

These words were not shared to shun or judge. They were shared to bring insight and light to a topic that is necessary: no one owes you your investment into your mental wellness.

There are several highly qualified, competent professionals ready to support you on your journey of mental wellness. But support is only support when you deem it as support and when you’re ready for it. You are deserving of betterment, growth, and healing.  

So, when you are ready for that investment, I look forward to supporting you.

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

B. Whitaker 

Potholes of Healing

There are many definitions of healing. Let’s explore a few…

Webster says to heal is “to cause (an undesirable condition) to become overcome”…

Dictionary.com says healing is “the act or process of regaining health”...

Dr. Gabor Maté expresses, “true healing simply means opening ourselves to the truth of our lives, past and present, as plainly and objectively as we can.”

Although just a few sources were quoted, it is apparent that healing takes us from where we were to a better, more preferred state. With that in mind, let’s take a trip through imagery. 

Imagine you are in your dream car. No worry about how you obtained it or if you can afford to keep it. You are in your dream car cruising down an empty highway. The scenery around you is ideal. It’s peaceful, not obstructed by signs, construction, or reminders of speed limits. There are no slow drivers in the fast lane actively disrupting peace. It’s you in your dream car cruising down a scenic highway. Out of nowhere you hit a pothole that shakes the whole car, but you quickly get back on course. Your cruise catches up to its original momentum and peace, but then there is another pothole, this one a little deeper than the first. You’re not seeing the potholes on this journey in your dream car, but they keep making themselves known every so often. 

I attribute the healing process to the imagery just shared. It is beautiful. It can bring about peace. It takes you from where you were to places you didn’t know you could go emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. But along the way, there are some potholes that catch you off guard and shake you up. This doesn’t take away the journey nor the “greener grass” on the other side. There are just some “punch you in the face” reminders that come along with the newness of you that is birthed through healing. I shall share a few.

1. Losing connections with others

You will lose connections to or with others. This is not at fault of anyone in particular. It happens. You will be a different version of yourself that no longer moves, makes decisions, or resonates or connects with things as you did before. So, relationships will be impacted.

2. Isolation, aloneness, or loneliness

Healing can bring about feelings of isolation, aloneness, or loneliness. This is often because you have lost connections with others, you have not connected with others that reflect your healing, you feel misunderstood or that no one gets you, or you feel that you are the only one on your journey. These emotions can be heavy and overwhelming, so reach out for professional support when needed. Growing and healing into a new version of yourself is a process and is individualized to you. So that may not be something that everyone around you or in your life understands, but you are never alone. 

3. Bouts of frustration

It is possible that you may experience frustration or similar feelings. This is often because others do not understand your [new] perspective, or people don’t take the time or want to get to know this new version of you. Not everyone is open to change, especially if you were engaging in relationships or connections that were toxic or lacked reciprocity. It is possible that others feel threatened or just don’t care about your growth through healing. However, that is not your burden to bear. It’s possible that such frustration from experiences can tie to feelings of aloneness, isolation, or loneliness.

4. The thin line between judgment and empathy

Having grown through healing and obtained a new perspective, it is often that you may weave in and out of judgment and empathy. Empathy implies that you “put yourself in someone else’s shoes”. Well, prior to healing, you probably were in their shoes. So, making sense of something after gaining self-awareness and having healed may be difficult. There becomes a thin line between judgment and empathy. This is not to say you will grow into a selfish, inhumane individual. It says that you have to be mindful and cognizant of your changed perspective and how that may affect how you view people and situations. 

5. Boundaries

I have previously written about boundaries. Boundaries are always important, especially while healing. Boundaries protect you by keeping you safe. As you grow and heal, what you perceive as safety may change, and that’s ok. You have to remain keen and astute and what it is that you need to feel safe to protect yourself. This can look a variety of ways. Maybe you text certain individuals more than verbally speaking; maybe you turn your phone on do not disturb while processing heaving emotions; maybe you ensure you block off time, by any means necessary, to read or workout. It all depends on what you need. Boundaries are personal standards that let others know how and what they must accept to be part of your life. There is so much empowerment in setting such standards. 

Hopefully you’re not feeling discouraged. I do not share this information to deter anyone from wanting to heal wounds and move forward as a better version of themselves. I share this information to be honest. So often healing is glorified without shedding light on the process of the journey. Without the full picture, one may not be aware that they are coming along just fine on their healing journey. 

I desire healing, peace, and betterment for us all. 

I look forward to supporting you. 

List of Hotlines: 

-National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 (call or text)

-Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and Press 1

-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741

-The Harris Center Crisis Line: 713-970-7000

-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

-LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

-The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ): Text “START” to 678678

B. Whitaker 

New Year, Healed You

It’s time for a new year to commence. So that cues the rumination of all that has transpired in the previous months and the proceeding changes wanting to be made, people we desire to leave behind, and declarations on how things will be “different”. Excitement for reinvention begins and hashtags of “New Year, New Me” resound! 

{It’s important I highlight my use of rumination as opposed to reflection as there exists a stark difference.  

Rumination - excessive, repetitive thinking focused on the same, usually negative, idea or theme:

Reflection - a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration; a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.}

Please don’t mistake my words for mockery. I believe in betterment and growing from an older version of oneself. However, often the reinvention does not include necessary ground work to ensure a solid foundation for such newness. It’s not uncommon for many to repeat an annual cycle that leads them right back to where they were before the halfway mark into the new year. 

Commonly, a list of dos and don'ts is conjured and that list is the blueprint to becoming a new person, and the year begins on a high. The efforts for the list stalls out and by mid year and the “new year, new me” plans have a high probability of being in rotation again for the following year. Unfortunately, the list and its coinciding cycle lacks the inclusion of self-awareness and healing. There’s a desire that things will be different and even an attempt, but there are so many blindspots that impede change.

My (first) summary, an outline of dos and don'ts, often lacks identifying the root cause of  our perceived problems which won’t afford an opportunity for healing which leads to the desired change. 

I plug Gabor Maté’s reflection of healing from The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, & Healing in a Toxic Culture…

“True healing simply means opening ourselves to the truth of our lives, past and present, as plainly and objectively as we can. We acknowledge where we were wounded and, as we are able, perform an honest audit of the impacts of those injuries as they have touched both our own lives and those of others around us.”

My (second) summary, if you don’t genuinely and authentically know yourself (self-awareness) and you don’t face the experiences or habits that are causing disruption to you and/or your life, there won’t be a “new you” in terms of positive, effective, long-term change. You have to know yourself, see yourself, accept yourself, and be able to sit and face discomfort if you will ever be new. 

A few ways to unveil a “new” you: 

• Seek professional counseling - it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you; it creates a safe, judgment-free environment for you to process with an outside perspective

• Complete a therapeutic workbook - doing so can provide insight into the areas in your life that could use some extra love and attention

• Build up your support system - identify a few people you trust that will give you honest feedback of their perception and experience of you; you don’t need a “yes man”

• Become physically active - remember the body, mind, and spirit are connected

• Try something new - explore something out of your norm to step out of your comfort zone (for example: indoor rock climbing, a spoken word gig, new food)

• Journal/Meditate/Ground spiritually

As you prepare for a new year, I desire for you to experience the best version of yourself so you may have the growth, healing, peace, and betterment you absolutely deserve. I send high vibrations for your 2024!

B. Whitaker 

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (text or call)

Double Dutch-ing in Professionalism…

There probably isn’t a great need of empirical evidence to convince people that work can be draining to one’s mental wellness. For several of us, it’s a lived experience. From exhaustion, to anxiety, to being overwhelmed, the depreciation to mental wellness can be ongoing. Outside of the hustle and bustle of work and all that comes with the work we do, the confusion of what is deemed professional and unprofessional can leave one in a maze of confusion. To further our confusion, let’s take a shallow dive into the subjective nature of professionalism.

Merriam-Webster defines professionalism as, “the conduct, aims, or qualities that characterize or mark a profession or a professional person.” 

The U.S. Department of Labor has provided youth with the definition of, “conducting oneself with responsibility, integrity, accountability, and excellence. It means communicating effectively and appropriately and always finding a way to be productive.”

See…subjective. However, it is not uncommon for professional settings to provide or mandate workplace sensitivity training, cultural sensitivity training, or some dialogue or instruction on the topics of diversity, equity, and inclusion. Such training gives insight that professionalism is evolving. Professionalism no longer looks one way, and to say it does and mistreat or penalize others on that belief could be dehumanizing. 

It’s abhorrent to think, let alone experience, the judgment, prejudices, and biases of your cultural representation deeming you “unprofessional” without any consideration of the knowledge, skills, and drive instilled in you. Of course, we have laws that are to protect us from such discrimination, but the reality is such discrimination still exists. Often one can be left to wonder if their hairstyle or hair color, their hijab or turban, their accent, choosing to address microaggressions, or other norms of their culture would cause mistreatment, a poor evaluation, or a missed chance for an opportunity. Showing up culturally as you are and balancing being “professional” can often feel like it’s your turn to “jump in” for a round of Double Dutch. 

If you’ve been “Double Dutching” and it’s becoming taxing, it’s important to take time to establish support for yourself. You could seek a support system (within and outside of work), ask specific or clarifying questions to leadership or HR personnel, review necessary handbooks and policy documents, or explore ways to advocate. 

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (text or call) 

B. Whitaker

Not Sure if You Knew, but…You’re Human

So, I come bearing news! The news is…YOU’RE HUMAN! I’ll type that again. YOU ARE HUMAN! I hope that reminder settles with some. Being human is a fact that is not always remembered (or appreciated). We wear so many “hats” and fulfill so many roles in our daily lives that we forget that we are having a human experience. 

This post was especially inspired by judgment and denial of first time experiences. It is not uncommon for some to experience something for the first and immediately create standards to judge the experience as opposed to experiencing it. Understandably so, our worlds are structured with laws that tell us what we can and cannot do; society reminds us of what we should and should not do; social media demands what we should and should not think. 

Outside of all the noise, down to our core essence, we are doing the best we can in our human experiences. (Don’t worry, I will expound on “best” at a later date. For now, I am refilling our cups with the reminder that we are human.) Have the experience. Be with your thoughts. Take in how the experience feels in your body. Yeah, the experience may be shitty or make you feel terrible, especially if you learned something unpleasant about yourself. But at the end of it, give yourself grace. 

Grace - an allowance of time…

With an allowance of time, you may be able to learn yourself more, develop more self-acceptance, bask in being judgment free, or give yourself the love you deserve. I encourage you to remember that you are human, and while that may suck at times, you are having human experiences. You are worthy of grace.

B. Whitaker 

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (text or call)

'Tis the Season for Boundaries

The fact remains that the holidays are here! For some, the holidays are a time of sharing and connecting sprinkled with discomfort and boundaries being tested every which way. Often we let our “guard” (or boundaries) down when it comes to social gatherings, because socially we want to do what is deemed acceptable. I stand tall, proud, and loud in saying your boundaries take priority over what is deemed acceptable. You, at no point, are obligated to sacrifice your comfort and protection just to be social.

So often people think boundaries are situational, physical, or a ploy for avoidance. Quite contrary, boundaries exist for one’s protection. They are limits that one sets for themselves that ensure they are able to feel connected with others genuinely and authentically while still feeling safe. (How empowering is that!) So, boundaries are also conversational and emotional. Again, the focus is for you to reinforce what protects you and makes you feel comfortable. Conversations can turn quite intrusive or emotionally uncomfortable in social gatherings. 

A few prompts that could support conversational boundaries: 

• “I heard your question/comment. However, I don’t feel comfortable sharing.”

• “I don’t want to engage in this topic.”

• “I rather not share that personal information.”

• “I’ll rejoin the conversation once the current topic changes.”

Now, I am not implying that reinforcing or making your boundaries clear will automatically give you all the confidence to be straightforward or candid; but I am applying that you are worthy of protection and to feel safe. No matter how your holiday turns out, I hope peace and reinforced boundaries for you.  

B. Whitaker 

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (text or call)

Cycles Gon' Cycle…

So, one of my jobs is supporting children in becoming “decent” human beings. I put decent in quotations because the term is subjective, and I find it to be the bare minimum for kids and adults supporting the many facets of their development. However, reality has it that I provide them guidance, check on their safety and well-being, and model healthy and productive behaviors and habits. 

Realistically, I do my damndest to nurture these little humans into self-sufficient, solution-focused, critical thinking, and affirmed individuals. I give an honest effort but for some kiddos, that is not the norm set or modeled for them, especially when it comes to conflict. I’ve observed conflict cause some kiddos to become triggered and experience complete dysregulation or spiraling. Of course, intervening is necessary to support such adverse reactions, but putting out these “fires” is reactive when modeling a change is more proactive. So, I began to ponder.  While pondering, I kept in mind that at all times, adults' mannerisms, behaviors, and actions are always center stage for kiddos to absorb like a sponge. I outlined a cycle that is not uncommon for some adults when it comes to experiencing conflict. 

1. A situation happens.

2. We feel some type of way, which is natural but we don’t always identify how we feel. We just know the feeling is uncomfortable. 

3. Then, we react (usually “pop off”), which requires no thinking; or, we call that “yes man” that we know will take our side. 

4. Afterwards, we feel validated or justified.

The cycle seemed like a pretty simple process that affords no opportunity for honesty or growth, but ensures we are stuck in not processing or handling conflict in a healthy manner. Now, in pure typical solution-focused fashion, I provided some interceptions that could possibly help break the “stuckness” of the cycle. My interceptions are not “easy as pie” and definitely require a receptiveness to self-awareness. However, such is required for growth and betterment. 

1. A situation happens.

2. We feel some type of way, but we take a moment or time to identify how we feel. Doing so ensures that we respond or think about our response to the situation or person(s) involved.

3. Then we find someone who knows us best or someone that will hold us accountable to explain the story from our perspective but ask for an opposing perspective. This will require that we are receptive to hearing possible faults or areas for improvement.

4. Finally, we reflect on the situation again with the feedback in mind and identify personal takeaways from the experience. 

Now, by no means am I saying that my reflection and conclusions are law and the way things should be. I merely offer awareness and a suggestion for how handling conflict can change with adults so children are afforded better models to mock. I strongly believe that our agency and power does not lie in how hurtful we can be or how validated we can feel during conflict. I think those are lies that the cycle of staying stuck in conflict feeds us. 

It’s interesting to think that we are always “on stage” even when we least expect it. At any point in time we are modeling for others. While we deserve betterment and the necessary change to achieve it, children have a much dire need than us. 

I hope your “cycles” are model worthy. 

B. Whitaker 

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (text or call)

Toxic Positivity Be Like…

It’s the season for gratitude…it’s Thanksgiving! Folks are gearing up to share food, laughs, and possibly some fake smiles and interactions. Yes, I said it. Not everyone is enthused by the holidays. While this can be an amazing time of the year, it can also bring about pressure and deep loneliness among other negative experiences. Furthermore, many people don’t recognize that they often share toxic positivity in trying to be positive or show gratitude. 

Now, some of you may have read toxic positivity and thought I made up a term, but I didn’t. In summary, toxic positivity is disregarding or not acknowledging true negative emotions or experiences by displaying only positive ones. For example, someone may desire to be in the company of others for Thanksgiving but hasn’t received an invite from family or friends. When Thanksgiving Day comes, they may choose to name or journal all the things they are grateful for while trying to suppress their feelings of loneliness and disappointment in not having received any invites for the holidays. Throwing some positive statements on top of heavy and uncomfortable emotions and experiences would be similar to using a single band-aid to cover the wound of an open heart surgery. That band-aid nor empty positive statements allow healing. 

I don’t share this post to negate the power of gratitude. There is much research that provides evidence that gratitude improves mental wellness. Instead I’m exposing the elephant in the room that negative emotions and experiences as well as gratitude can exist in the same space. However, the negative needs not to be ignored.  

I’m hoping for a safe and comfortable Thanksgiving for everyone. In those that may feel alone or experience difficulties during the holidays, you are in my thoughts. May your true feelings be acknowledged and may you know that feeling alone does not mean you are alone. 

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (text or call)

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

National Sex Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673   

B. Whitaker

So…I cut my locs off! Just typing that made it feel concrete. There’s no mini violin to cue or bout of poetry ensuing, just stating the fact. I ended my loc “journey” just shy of the two-year mark. I originally put journey in quotations because my choice for locs was the least bit of wanting a journey. Although I’m aware and quite keen of the important historical, social, and spiritual contextual background of locs, I chose them for convenience. Don’t take me to the stakes for being honest. 

Let’s rewind to two years ago. I was working full-time in education, taking three graduate courses for my second masters, and managing a caseload of ten clients as an LPC-intern. In summary I was overwhelmed, beyond exhausted, and breakdancing my way into depression. I had given up my dedicated routine of being physically active and let my oh so convenient “struggle bun” become a staple of my physical identity. Sadly, my hair was a joy for me. I was always my first client in learning how to do new styles. I found the healthiest escape in doing my hair and switching up my hairstyles from two-strand twists, to box braids, to braid outs, to my big ole fro. However, I opted to loc my hair to conveniently not have to worry about my hair so much while balancing my other obligations. 

When I chose to get locs, I knew they would be temporary since I just needed convenience. Also, having someone else taking care of my hair bothered me. It made me feel less than. I tried my best to be creative with my locs by mastering the workings of bobby pins and scrunchies, but my efforts were futile compared to the normal routine of doing my hair.  However, my locs were beautiful and I honored them for their representation. I will spare you the history of beauticians in my family and the cultural shunning of locs for women that was ingrained in me at a young age. My decision to loc my hair as an adult was met with resistance and judgment. I share that to say my choice for locs was a huge choice culturally and socially outside of me just trying to add convenience to my life. So, I stood tall and confident as a black educated woman in professional white spaces among black and brown students showcasing that locs are acceptable, beautiful, and a form of self-expression. 

Fast-forward two years later, and I started to feel overwhelmed again by work and adulting. So, what did my brain say, that I needed to create more convenience in my life. There wasn’t too much else that I could alter, and I started to feel the impact of no longer having the freedom and healthy distraction of doing my hair. Soooooooo…I cut my locs. 

Now, I wasn’t in the mirror crying and screaming, “free me”. I had been contemplating cutting them for a few months, and once the overwhelming feeling punched me in the face (again), I decided that cutting them would be a form of self-care. Although overwhelmed, I would not take away what brought me peace and calm for convenience. I decided that there would be enough time, or I needed to make decisions, to allow enough time for me to connect with my hair again. 

Although I shared just a preview of why my hair no longer looks like the professional pics I took just a few weeks ago, I hope that my choice of big choppin’ can inspire you to know that it is ok to create space, time, and decisions for that which brings you peace. Life is going to life, and adulting is going to continue to punch us in the face unexpectedly. With these facts known, we are deserving to preserve the simple yet time-consuming habits and joys that bring us back to ourselves. 

Don’t let the light of your essence be dimmed by the demands of all that life is going to life your way. 

B. Whitaker